the looks

i feel unsafe

but i dont even know you
so how can you wet
my eyes

intelligence to know
powerless to change
deep rooted habits

because before, i’ve been
hurt 

can i use that as an excuse?
but really? 
it’s my excuse.

so is the tug of
war between the R
and the V words
the fear.
one says cut out
while the other leaves me
clinging to your waist like a child,
wide eyed and blue

blue
i feel so blue 

all these
broken flowers

the beautiful things 
you’ve said, 
lost with history
anyway
eventually
we never remember
anything that makes
our heart melt, why would we?

in the future
it only burns.

blue blooded river
flowing
between your intimate words
i vacate them of
meaning

i wait for you
always
to realize i’m not worth
any of it 

are you there yet?
well you’re not here anyway
so where are my lungs?
how does the smoke leave
them so raw that
exhalation is
sometimes
a safety pin
scratching beneath my 
sternum?
but maybe it’s
all in my head.
or maybe it’s
the carbon

it’s you .

it’s me
not right
for you/ 

by now my hearts polluted.
i;m given away too easy. 

fearful of rejection
addiction to relief
why do i let
statues
define me 

i need you 

otherwise i don’t exist
can you see me?
sometimes i can’t. 

so weak because 
i don’t love myself
so weak for not
loving myself

no/ there’s
no intrinsic love here. 

i need you
arching over me
condescendingly

i need you

i am not your equal.