December 2009
26 posts
You are always already written.
we lay on the couch and we spoke of the people we know and the types of people we have always wanted to be you spoke of her as if you were ready to leave but I know I would never be your reason. we flowed so naturally, which isn’t very surprising, and when you turned your face to kiss me I felt your skin soften against my own. You whispered that what we were doing was a bad idea and so I agreed...
“is she in the background?” “i...
How can I rationalize you?
we took four steps towards the border until our mouths met the surface and our eyes descended to find that the skyline was on fire. the contrast soothes us, so recently when she leaves, you design moments to misplace the impure reasons why you desire me. finding time, you lace your fingers with mine and together we mold bad decisions into the shapes of long, temporary nights. with a little bit...
i can not even imagine being with you.
i am not sure if an apology is necessary and i think you know the only reason why i did it is because i am still in love with you. and if i tried to kiss your friend when we were in the same room i am sorry, is 20 too old to still blame the wine? i can not mouth these words to you, that i want to be with you this christmas and it hurts me to see you with her after the way you look at me our...
It may take two people to make a really beautiful...
“(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands”
— ee cummings
agree 2 disagree
when i was younger i was carefree and loving but had seen the world as solitary and somber. for no reason really, considering i lived in a house of energetic amiability and had yet to feel my heart melt inside of my chest. i had at times felt vulnerable and jealous, but it was always unwarranted because i never really had a boy to call my own. so i fell in love with my brother’s friends and...
if my division is okay with you
you saw me kissing your friend, so you fled the party. while i was still inside, my friend apologized to you as you blamed yourself for taking too much time. this is upsetting because while you desire me, i only think i like you sometimes. she told you not to blame yourself for my capricious behavior so when i came outside you took my hand to your lips and kissed me gently on the mouth.
i...
Essential components of my current bedroom
Bed
Bookshelf
Clothing rack
Vanilla candle
Teacup
Christmas spirit
Last night my friends and I had a Christmas party. There were presents, gingerbread cookies, the singing of christmas carols, and lots of holiday cheer. It was so beautiful and there was so much togetherness. It reminded me of why I love Christmas so much, which I had seem to have forgotten over the past year or two. Among the stresses of life, lost relationships, and pseudo-emptiness, there...
How to withstand stillness
The clouds in Providence always appear to be affixed to the sky, rather than function as a sheet with which the air keeps itself warm. They never move. And so I must, or the world would be seen by all to have stopped spinning on its axis.
Beneath this Providence sky, as it represses its own anxieties, he walks with false repose. Even still, I know he feels the feebleness of my collarbones...
You know what is funny is that
next time I may not be around when you miss me. You are egotistical and inconsistent and this means you are a selfish, tired cliché. You should keep reading this because I say nice things about you soon. You’ll see. You know too much about me and I know all your mannerisms. Some of them are charming but, god, others are so irritating. You think you speak weirdly and you hate your curly...
Things i want
1 week of casually dating a mathematician
to go home and curl up with proust(’s stories)
smoke-free lungs and hot cocoa
to embrace life’s immensity with greater ease
value
to be renewed
She said that's how people destroy each other
but i think he takes comfort in knowing that we will never be over. And of course he prefers the idea of me, rather than the reality of me, considering once we find balance he resists me. And when I do make him smile, at least, it is only temporary fulfillment. Perhaps it is solely our dissonance that generates the gentle, fleeting warmth between our bodies. I continue to confuse my feelings...
A unique kind of identity crisis
Am i the exgirlfriend you keep around until someone better comes along? Am i the little sister you have become emotionally attached to? Am i the other-girl you like to hold because your girlfriend leaves a void? Am i the girl who has to say no even though she has always loved you? Am i the girl who has to say no because she wants to keep loving you? Am i the girl who forgot how to make you happy?...
“and there’s no time to reach out and...
When I do not know what I am doing I heed advice...
- Camus would say i am looking for meaning in a meaningless world. - Kierkegaard would say that all of my doubts about love are embedded in my faith in it. - Lacan would probably propose that I desire to be desired. - Hegel would say that the fact that you and i are a contradiction is what generates our unity. - Sartre would call me a dreamer. He would warn that I will never truly understand...
our first snow fall
even before the snow came down hard this season, our sincerity was motionless. he would warm my body with winter skin distant to his own unease, but he prevails as i lay flat, subsiding our familiarity remains unsteady so we shake these frozen waters and i wish it were us gliding along the blocks of this cold, sacred city in open-ended harmony. but alas we remain inside, dry with wit, lacking...
to be desensitized vs. to stop caring
these two concepts are not always coexistent. one could occur without the other. for instance, i can still [mildly] care but be completely aware of the potential cruelty or shock that he is once again capable of generating; thus, i am desensitized.
we all avoid the vulnerability that comes with trust so in a way i guess i find comfort in his semi-recent tendencies to fabricate, exaggerate,...
we built this moment
i never knew where we were going. seven years have brought us here half aware of your desires i thought i loved you as a child. after the shows you would find
me alone, and together we would
blend curiosity with innocent affection so i waited for those moments each night
because i was just a little girl. remember when i was fifteen
and you made me cry? i stole your sweatshirt, told my...
"she's driving me"
i would never admit this to you but i liked how you knocked on my window at two in the morning. i know i said it scared me but after the initial wave of fear passed i was happy to see your face through the glass and every time he says “still i laugh because we’re naive as love” i think of me and you and him and i and cannot even recognize my own motivations anymore
he was likely.
“but then i made the mistake of responding too much to his kindness, of taking hold of his hand before he’d take hold of mine, of holding onto his arm and leaning on his shoulder, of appreciating his kindness more than he wanted me to, and, suddenly, last summer, he began to be restless”
this song was written about me. thus it is...
again and again
i have asked you again to pull me in closer by the waist and fasten your grip on my bones and my wrists i have asked for you to elaborate on the whims of your moods and the melodious slurring of your sweet drunken words. but maybe it is not abnormal how sometimes we spend nights together and i know it is clichéd to find such beauty in your sheets but for now nothing matters and you keep me...