January 2009
21 posts
screwy perception // your patience
She is her to me and you are no longer selfless. you are, in reality of course, but because my mind sees her as she and you as him, past insecurities drip from my brain and out my left nostril. i taste the warmth trickle over my painted lips. red painted lips. i am not proud that i reduce you to something so coldhearted when you are the best person i know. you are patient and full of...
In the exchange theory
“a valued outcome becomes less valued the more it is provided.”
is this to say that it is human nature to take valuable things for granted? i sat on the couch for forty three minutes trying to come up with an example that refutes this aspect of the exchange theory. is it possible for a person to value pleasure even if it is frequently provided? i want to say yes but it seems like...
By any other name would smell as sweet
I would be so glad to catch your stormy drops of salt water in my mouth, they would trace their way between my teeth. to me, they taste like candy, sweet honey… surely, with my beckoning tongue, i would play with the viscosity of your thick sugar. you breathe as if your lungs were ruptured, but only little words with enormous tones could have struck you as it had. I can’t promise...
“i saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical...”
– alan ginsberg, howl
i wish it was not like this
over break tomas bought “being enlightened,” by the dhali lama. he is very interested in buddhism, meditation, and east asian philosopy, and it is rubbing off on me. he gave me the book because he wants me to read it before he does. i was not too excited at first but when i started reading it i really connected to what was being presented. however, i find that in todays society,...
Premonition, a terrible alarm clock
we were sitting in the back of the car, my mother had to go to the bank. flirting with the forming lines of love tom and i sat waiting, smiling, laughing. i saw colors that seemed unusually dull and faded. it was my first recognition that something was a little off because when you are in love everything usually vibrates with a deep glow, all kinds of saturated and milky colors. i ignored my...
Once something is produced, whether it is an...
“the varieties of lives in the world are impermanent like autumn clouds. the birth and death of beings are like watching a dance. the passage of life is like lightning in the sky. it moves quickly, like a waterfall.”
mine is yours
And I want my house to be low like yours was, i mean the one you lived in as an adolescent. and we will paint it a similar pale green and celebrate that we found it— we found what we would have been looking for our whole lives if you had not exhaled a friendly hello. arms outstretched, you have always meant more than smiles to me.
why did you make me say that?
over winter break i was able to put my past away. at first it was very hard to drive on the same streets that had always led me back to you. but i grew up. here are my last words before i close our book and throw away our boxes. my mother always said to take the bad with the good but there is only so much hurt that i had truly deserved to endure. i thought you offered me it all and i did not...
when i go to the movie theatre
to see grand torino, the first forty minutes all i can hear:
people shifting in their seats as if the hard theatre cushions were not adequate
do they know the playhouse was not built for ideal lounging?
people munching on handfuls of popcorn, every two minutes
are they well aware that at that rate they will finish the whole extra large bag in only a matter of 12 minutes?
people shaking around...
heart back to you, around again
if my head were inside a bubble, he would pop it with only three words that make my aortas pound along the walls of my indulgent frame. rather than peel off my skin i add a sage layer of his. i gloss it with adoration and compassion. he makes me want to rise up into the night’s sky to pour crystals of contentness out of unlabeled bags and onto the sleeping villagers of the twenty first...
missing you back home // a platitude, for you.
namju just left for good. i knew it was coming but despite foregoing certainties, i was not ready for it. i feel like this is the seventeenth time i have said goodbye for her forever, but this time it is really. what are you to do when you do not realize you have unknowingly grown so close to someone only to lose them? even more than labeling her a best friend, it would be clichéd to call her...
divergence
it is really fun to people watch on amtrak. so many people have gotten so used to getting lost in themselves when wearing headphones that they forget that others can hear every little noise they make on the silent but crowded train. the guy to my left, despite his lack of movement and his pasted-open eyes eyes, was making sex noises every twelve minutes; he did not seem to realize it because...
you would think this
after spending eleven days with the same person, no matter how much you love them, you would think that you would get tired of them. if not tired, atleast an eensy bit agitated at a particular behavior of theirs. i love everything about him and i find it a bit ridiculous that after only a day and a half i miss his touch.
there is laughter between us, love in the eyes.
d.c. meets n.y.
january 4 - january 9 january 9 - january 14 i am going to see the boy. boy is going to see me. chestful of excitement. will not write until the latter date. more material then. happy january.
"errands"
my family and i ran errands today. first we took one of our cars to the body shop to get it looked at because a UPS driver backed into the front of my brother’s red suburu. they estimated about 3800 to fix the damage. my dad and pete do not mind because UPS’s insurance must pay. the front bumper will no longer be hanging off. then we went to the liquor store and bought tom’s...
